In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
