If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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