PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
