when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
