I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
