I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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