my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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