If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
