we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
