The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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