Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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