You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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