He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
