He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
