Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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