Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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