Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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