babies were throwing up all over the place
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
