Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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