I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Of course I have a pirate flag
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
