So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
