his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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