There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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