I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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