I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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