i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
