How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
