Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
