i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
