I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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