Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
