Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
