Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
