I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
