Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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