Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Of course I have a pirate flag
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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