believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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