You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
