I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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