Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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