Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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