I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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