Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
My vagina just recognized that song.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Randomize
