wrigley field is MILF paradise
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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