weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
