my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
