last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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