i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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