I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
