you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
